Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
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Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.