Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
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Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.