Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
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I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
and now we wait
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Stop sending me this shit.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are