[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
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Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
🤣🤣💀
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.