[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
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[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
This is the best one I’ve seen
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.