Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
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One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”