Cashiers are always checking me out
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My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?