No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I’d love this…lol
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️