Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
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[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.