Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
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The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
me hitting on a model
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
PLOT TWIST:
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.