“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
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50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
CUTE CAT‼︎
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it