Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
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I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now