Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
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Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit