High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
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[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit