Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.