Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
❤️🦆
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Perfect.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
pat pat
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.