i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
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When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
“I wouldn’t.”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes