[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
You Might Also Like
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.