My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
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Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?