my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sunday
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Velcrow
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe