Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
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Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
this chia pet tastes awful
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of