My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
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Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Sponch
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.