Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
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[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”