Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
You Might Also Like
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
im all 3
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated