Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
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[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.