ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.