me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
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Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*