When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
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[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
That time Alicia messaged me
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.