Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
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The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
peak technology
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.