Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
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[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I’m giving up for Lent.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.