KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
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4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?