Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.