“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
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Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president