I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
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one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Matt Goss
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.