9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
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Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.