Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
not seeing the problem
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]