-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
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[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I’m too immature for adultery.