[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Sniffing the broccoli
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Me, reading some of your tweets
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him