Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
🐕🍷
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice