Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
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I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.