I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
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Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit