Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
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Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind