Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
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I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I have two kinds of followers
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row âŚ. I’m starting to think they really donât like lunch.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – đ
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husbandâs grave*
âI wanted to let you know that after all these years Iâve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.â
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
If by âinterestsâ you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissinâ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.