If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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getting corrected
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t