me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
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We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Bruh PLEASE
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My last name is Zilla.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
We decided to have money instead of children.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?