Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
new shirt idea
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Me when my alarm goes off
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER