Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac