I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
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“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.