Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*