I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
You Might Also Like
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”